My Ashtray Heart

When you live near the beach, you learn at a very early age that when caught in an undertow, you never swim against the current, but with it. You ride that bitch out until it ends instead of trying to struggle against it. Life is a lot like that. Karma is a lot like that. I feel there are too many people in the world that think that through metaphysical understanding they can change the flow of the current... or gain the strength to swim against it... and you can't. Nature always wins. All you can do is swim with it... ride it out... see where you land... and go from there. There's an old saying my grandma used to tell me: "don't count your chickens before they hatch." No matter how many numbers you crunch... no matter how much you follow the paths of the stars and planets... you can't change their course or their effect in the end. All you can do is take what they give you and go with the flow.... it's like being handed a limited number of paint colors and brush sizes with a canvas... everyone's colors and brush sizes are different... making it impossible for someone to change the outcome of their painting, much less to copy the painting of another person... yet, everyone has the ability to create a masterpiece with what they are given...


You will never create any picture other than what Nature has intended in Her own masterpieces. You will never gain any rewards from attempting to tamper with Her design... only misfortune. If you are jealous of another's picture, then instead of trying to copy or control it, try to learn what elements of it are bothering you... and then once you know what it is exactly that you're jealous of, think about how you can work with your own mediums to create something just as fulfilling.... different, of course... but fulfilling none the less because Nature never hands you any more or any less than what you need to create the perfect and most satisfying picture you possibly can in your lifetime.

The world attest to the beauty of Her designs... The natural laws of the universe attest to Her wisdom... if you swim within Her current, only happiness lays ahead.

Can this wretched broken worthless doll
kicked and torn and eyeless
ever be used for a toy again
or is the only destiny left for her in the garbage

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you let me down again)

Note the emphasis... because it's true... that's why you sit at home watching TV now with nothing better to do, with no options left now that you've given up your online meanderings with teenage chat rooms... that's why for the past 5 years you (and I) have watched our pool of friends dwindle, even though you convinced me they (even my own personal friends) said it was all MY fault for being "negative"... kind of funny how those same people have a completely different story to tell about how it's because of knowing YOU personally to be a manipulative, lying, abusive asshole that they didn't feel comfortable being around and that they didn't want to pressure me too much about leaving because they didn't want to threaten our friendship.

And you know, after going over everything that happened in our relationship... I think I've realized what really went wrong in the beginning, and what really was wrong all along. You were feeling insecure after you got fired at Beef's, and you looked over at me, determined to give our child the "good life" and "win" at life so much that I forced you to spend almost our entire tax returns on baby gear even though you argued we would get everything we needed in the baby shower (which didn't even come close, and I think you resented me even more for being right about us needing to spend our tax returns on that stuff)... then later QUIT my "good" job at PRC even though I was up for a promotion to go back to school and become even better... and succeeded with a 3.5 GPA, even though at the time I was juggling a newborn AND a household of 3-5 adults at any given time.... and you got jealous, and that was when you decided that you were going to make sure that you came out on top and not me, even if it meant dragging our entire family down to do it.

I will admit, for a while, your plan worked. But it wasn't by any means permanent, and now that you're gone, I'm gradually returning back to my old self, only better... stronger, wiser, with a lot more on my plate to offer than ever before... and as an added bonus (as if all the aforementioned wasn't enough), I've also finally learned how to be happy under ANY circumstances in my life, as long as I remember to set my boundaries when it comes to the people I allow in to my personal life as friends/family/loved ones/etc. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't get stressed or any of the stuff that happens to anyone in their daily lives, but it does mean I don't get depressed any more, at least not for long. And when I do feel sad, I've got plenty of people in my life to help cheer me back up. Additionally, without you around, interestingly enough I don't really find myself asking for help from people like my family much any more either... and I have also found most of the time I don't even need it. I usually can find a way out of my own messes, or do without until I do. And despite all the curve balls you threw me before you left, like stealing (and taking/stealing via constantly lying about how many cards I had bought you before) a VERY large amount of money from me in order to pay for weapons in Combat Arms, I managed very well to mostly find my own way out of ALL of it with little help from anyone... even a month with almost no income. And because of that... along with reflection on you and my relationship with my ex-fiance, both situations in which I mostly took care of you and kept you off the streets/kept you from starving and not vice versa... I have realized that I had what it takes to not only survive in this world but THRIVE all along. I just needed to do exactly what my counselors have been telling me for years I just needed to do: trust myself. I have the right formulas, I just need to start trusting them and stop replacing them with everyone else's.

It's my life. I'm the only one that lives it, it's the only life I'm going to get to live, and I only get one chance at each given moment to do it right; one chance at each given moment to choose happiness or sadness. I have been placing too much importance on karma and not enough on simply being happy. All the karma in the world won't do you much good if you spend your entire life in misery.... nor will you find you have actually helped anyone at all.

This song could have been ripped from the mind of someone I used to live with recently...

Clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
Eye on what I'm after
I don't need another friend
Smile and drop the cliche
'til you think I'm listenin'
Take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Peripheral on the package
Don't care to settle in
Time to feed the monster
I don't need another friend
Comfort is a mystery
Crawling out of my own skin
Just give me what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get just what I need
Lie to get what I crave
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Eye on what I'm after
I don't need another friend
Nod and watch your lips move
If you need me to pretend
Because clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
I'll take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Give this to me
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I crave
Lie to smile and get what's mine

Give this to me
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Give this to me

Take what's mine, take what's mine, mine...
Take what's mine, take what's mine, take what's mine,
This is mine, mine, mine

I bled for you
My tears trickled down like rain landing softly on the heartless frigid white quarry
I made a promise to her we would never do that
A promise is always so empty....
A whisper, a gentle push, and I'm gone...
The door shuts...
a window opens...
the breeze...
The Venusian Grand Design opens,
unfolds her wings,
unlocks her gaze,
her golden blaze resounds...
Another angel lost to those too capricious to hear her prayers...
Her song lost forever among the hum of drudge automatons doomed to mutany and rage upon their masters.

your masquerade: you're pristine...
but your words just run dry like a glass of water trickling down
through the cracks in your sanity.

See me
I'm still standing
I might be bleeding
But I'm still breathing

You might hate me
But you can't break me
I might be bleeding
But I'm still breathing

Tell me what I'm supposed 
To feel because I can't feel this  
Sick and tired and it's all the same  
Same shit, different day, all day, every day
Wish you were perfect  
Well welcome to your fifteen minutes of fame  
Come get it well it's hot, you want it  
We got it, come get it now  
Can you feel me now?
Tell me, how I'm supposed to feel  
For you when all you do is hold me down?  
Told me I'm nothing, well tell me  
 What you're thinking now
So back off, never more alone than all alone 
I don't know where the hell I am  
But they say there's a price to pay for asking questions  
So I'm guessing and ending up where I began
I never got a second look before now 
I was the one that you'd ignore  
Now turn yourself inside out 
Come on, can you feel me now?
Tell me what I'm supposed  
To feel because I can't feel shit 
Hollowed out and you wonder why?  
Too much, not enough, slow down, pick it up  
Genuine adrenaline keeping me high, so high
So walk your walk, talk your talk  
But as far as I can see, on the inside out  
You're 'bout as ugly as me 
'Cept now I'm fit to knock you down
Told me I'm nothing, tell me what you're thinking now 
So back off, tell me what I'm supposed to feel for you  
Turn yourself inside out, take a closer look inside  
I think that you deserve yourself
Title match, main ring, no time to rethink  
You swim or you sink, you want it, we got it, come get it

In a violent world
Where deception's free
Things I can't control
Taking over me
Did they try to take
My identity
So what the hell
Have they done to me!

I will take your thoughts away
And I'll ignite your fear today
Well I can take you far away
With my mind [2x]

This life for me
Changes everyday
I will stand up tall
I won't be betrayed
If you play with fire
I'll control the flame
I'll do anything
To make you believe!

a scarlet blossom; a blooming
passion red spent on a wine luminosity unfurling from your icy cool plethoras
the burning; the pain
my crimson stained embellishment... is that your plan?

to allure; bewitch; charm; dazzle; delight
to captivate my mind... and with it, my glimmering light...
will you enrapture me in your incandescent blaze?
and together... ignite this azure celestial sphere... sparking new purpose in this disquieting malaise?

your whisper has fingers
long crisp whispering shadows... as your balmy pools like perfume to my senses lingers
shhh. a shiver, so near...
breath tickling my ear...
as the whispers, they rage and flame... wildfire on my brain...

do you see with your discernment?
the luscious euphony around my neck... adornment...
if only to behold God's glistening gold positioning contrivance.. His plan.

After only about two months of ownership, I have finally managed to get my flat iron to make my 3b curly hair straight!

Ahhh, trying to figure out this little thing called "life"...

This is really just notes for my personal collection to assist with recovery, but narcissistic abuse is pretty rampant, and not just in romantic relationships, so I figured I would share my notes here as well. This is just material I pulled that I felt particularly resonated with the situation that I got out of.

I've made a couple of breakthroughs in the past couple of weeks as far as recovering memories goes. I recovered two major memories that were emotion packed and linked to a lot of heavy stuff. I'm still processing their significance in my life, but I've already identified one as a "root", i.e. one of the main childhood issues I had that later went on to become a real mental health issue.