The Definitive Guide To Quitting Smoking by Vaping With E-Cigarettes/Advanced Personal Vaporizers - Part 1, Definitions and Choosing a Vaporizing Device

12:26 AM

About two years ago I purchased my first e-cigarette: a Totally Wicked Titan Tank. Since then I have totally fallen in love with vaping, so when I found out that I was at high risk of developing COPD, it was no surprise that I brought up the e-cigarette subject to my doctor, especially since I had already tried everything on the market designed to help smokers quit with little to no success and had figured out by that time my biggest issue wasn't so much the physical nicotine dependence as much as it was the psychological dependence on the act of smoking itself. Surprisingly, my doctor was extremely supportive of me switching to e-cigarettes, and agreed with my reasoning that even if I couldn't quit e-cigarettes would still be a much healthier alternative to smoking. I have noticed that there seems to be a serious lack of comprehensive, generic beginner's guides to vaping on the internet... the information is all there, but it's scattered all over e-cigarette forums and there doesn't seem to be any catch-all style guides. So here is a definitive guide on how to get started with quitting smoking cigarettes by vaping with e-cigarettes/advancedpersonal vaporizers. Good luck - and here's to your good health, too! :)

 Definitions

 atomizer (coil) - the part of the device that heats up e-liquid so that it turns to vapor (one end connects to the battery, the other end connects to the cartomizer)


cartomizer - the part of the device that stores e-liquid and delivers vapor created by the atomizer to the user's mouth (one end connects to the atomizer, the other end connects to the drip tip). Now days cartomizers can also mean delivery systems that combine the cartomizer and coil in to one solid piece.


drip tip - this is the mouthpiece to the cartomizer, and is called a drip tip because it allowed the user to drip e-liquid directly on to the atomizer before cartomizers were used on vaping devices to store e-liquid (one end connects to the cartomizer and the other end to the user's mouth)


clearomizer - these delivery systems feature a built in coil and use a wicking system for delivering e-liquid to the atomizer instead of being filled with wicking material like cartomizers are. They are capable of holding more e-liquid than a cartomizer, and also are usually clear so the user can see how much e-liquid is left in them (most also feature a system of measurement printed on the side so the user can know in ml how much e-liquid is contained in the clearomizer).


tank - this can have a variety of meanings, but generally refers to delivery systems that utilize some kind of clear, empty container for storing e-liquid. On e-cigarettes tanks are usually small plastic caps that screw in to the atomizer in lieu of a cartomizer. On advanced personal vaporizing devices tanks can refer to a type of clearomizer that utilizes a rebuildable and/or replaceable coil and wick system. Tank can also refer to the clear storage tube for e-liquid that is found on clearomizers.


rebuildable tank or RBT - these are clearomizer systems that utilize a rebuildable and/or replaceable coil and wick system. This results in lower costs associated with replacing the delivery system, as instead of the entire delivery system being disposable only parts of it are replaced (namely the coil and wick). RBTs are generally considered to be for advanced users only as they can have issues that need to be troubleshooted by the user and some systems require advanced knowledge of how vaporizing systems work, although recently these systems have been becoming increasingly easier to use for the average/novice vaper.


cartomizer tank - These are similar to RBTs but utilize a cartomizer inside instead of a wick and coil system. They are recommended for advanced users only as they can be both tricky to refill with e-liquid and also tricky in regards to replacing the cartomizer inside. The best cartomizer tank systems utilize some form of locking mechanism for when the user is done filling the cartomizer/tank, as removal of the tank before it's emptied can lead to e-liquid spillage.


Choosing a Vaporizing Device

Connections
510 - This is the most common type of atomizer connection on non-eGo e-cigarettes and advanced personal vaporizers, but is quickly being replaced by the eGo connection. The atomizer (the part of the device that heats up the e-liquid so that it turns in to vapor) screws in to the connector.


eGo - This is the only type of atomizer connection eGo e-cigarettes use, but many devices are starting to replace their 510 connections with the eGo connection or are designed to take either the 510 or the eGo atomizers. With this type of connection, the atomizer screws over the connector instead of inside it like the 510 atomizers do. This results in a lessened risk of damage to the connector than you find in 510 connections.


Drip Well
This is a recessed section around the atomizer connection that catches any excess fluid that may drip from your cartomizer being over-filled, which prevents e-liquid from dripping down the side of your device (which leads to sticky fingers) and also prevents waste (just tip the device and pour the excess e-liquid back in to its original container). Some devices have them; others don't. Whether or not to buy a device with a drip well depends largely on the user's preferences as well as the delivery system that will be used. While clearomizers,  tanks that are clear caps that plug in to the atomizer, and RBTs are not very prone to leaks while being filled, cartomizer and cartomizer tank systems are and should be treated with more care when refilling.


Batteries
automatic battery - These batteries rely on the pull of you sucking on the cartomizer to know when to power on so that vapor is released from the cartomizer. It is very important that if you want to get a bigger hit off an automatic battery that you first give a few quick sucks on the cartomizer to help "prime" the device and get the coil sufficiently heated so that it may produce the most vapor before you take an actual drag from the device. Automatic batteries bear the closest resemblence to real smoking.


manual battery - These batteries feature a button on them that you must press in order to power on the device so that vapor is released from the cartomizer. Unlike automatic batteries, this method does not require any priming or much dragging from the device. However, having to press the button does take away some from the device's resemblence to real smoking.


All e-cigarettes use disposable batteries that come with the casing and connector already built in. When replacing an e-cigarette battery, one simply throws the battery away and picks up a new one. Most advanced personal vaporizing devices utilize the same types of batteries that are used in high powered flashlights, thus they require a separate casing and connector that the battery can be housed in. Replacing the battery in an advanced personal vaporizing device is just as easy as replacing the battery in just about any electronic device. Understandably, separate batteries are much cheaper to maintain than standalone batteries. However, standalone batteries are the most novice-friendly.

Types of Devices
e-cigarette - These devices look just like a cigarette, and are intended for casual and social smokers. Probably the most popular brands are eGo and Blu. Most e-cigarettes utilize an automatic battery, which only activates and produces vapor when the user sucks in on the cartomizer (the part of the device that stores e-liquid and delivers the vapor produced by the atomizer).



advanced personal vaporizer - These devices usually are small and box like or look like a larger version of an e-cigarette. They are most recommended to regular smokers who are trying to quit, due to their ability to produce larger amounts of vapor than their e-cig counterparts, thus providing more nicotine per hit and coming closer to immitating a "real cigarette" both in the physical feeling of inhaling and exhaling vapor and in providing more instant gratification. There is a HUGE variety of shapes and sizes, but advanced personal vaporizing devices are very rarely as small as an e-cig due to their larger power requirements. Advanced personal vaporizing devices also vary in the amount of know-how needed to operate them. Some APVs only operate on one voltage, requiring the user do no more than push a button to receive vapor. These are best suited to novices, as they only need to know how high/low of an ohm rating their device can handle in order to purchase a compatible delivery system. An example of this kind of device is the Bolt. Next in line are the devices that are variable voltage. These devices allow the user to change the voltage of the device to match the delivery system being used and customize the kind of vape they are getting. These devices are also usually capable of displaying the ohm rating of the delivery system as well as the battery power remaining. An example of this kind of device is the Lavatube. Another step up would be the variable wattage devices, which allow the user to customize their vaping experience no matter what the ohm rating is of the delivery system being used. These devices can have a wide variety of settings and display options available. An example of this type of device is the Vape-Pro. Last but not least, the ultimate advanced personal vaporizing devices that recently became available contain computer systems inside them and are capable of all the above and more via connecting to a PC. They can chart out your daily vaping habits, limit the amount of puffs you take per day, how long you've been vaping for, and much, much more. There are currently only two models of this type of device on the market: the Evic and the Provari (last two devices pictured below, in order).
 

About two years ago I purchased my first e-cigarette: a Totally Wicked Titan Tank. Since then I have totally fallen in love with vaping, so when I found out that I was at high risk of developing COPD, it was no surprise that I brought up the e-cigarette subject to my doctor, especially since I had already tried everything on the market designed to help smokers quit with little to no success and had figured out by that time my biggest issue wasn't so much the physical nicotine dependence as much as it was the psychological dependence on the act of smoking itself. Surprisingly, my doctor was extremely supportive of me switching to e-cigarettes, and agreed with my reasoning that even if I couldn't quit e-cigarettes would still be a much healthier alternative to smoking. I have noticed that there seems to be a serious lack of comprehensive, generic beginner's guides to vaping on the internet... the information is all there, but it's scattered all over e-cigarette forums and there doesn't seem to be any catch-all style guides. So here is a definitive guide on how to get started with quitting smoking cigarettes by vaping with e-cigarettes/advancedpersonal vaporizers. Good luck - and here's to your good health, too! :)

 Definitions

 atomizer (coil) - the part of the device that heats up e-liquid so that it turns to vapor (one end connects to the battery, the other end connects to the cartomizer)


cartomizer - the part of the device that stores e-liquid and delivers vapor created by the atomizer to the user's mouth (one end connects to the atomizer, the other end connects to the drip tip). Now days cartomizers can also mean delivery systems that combine the cartomizer and coil in to one solid piece.


drip tip - this is the mouthpiece to the cartomizer, and is called a drip tip because it allowed the user to drip e-liquid directly on to the atomizer before cartomizers were used on vaping devices to store e-liquid (one end connects to the cartomizer and the other end to the user's mouth)


clearomizer - these delivery systems feature a built in coil and use a wicking system for delivering e-liquid to the atomizer instead of being filled with wicking material like cartomizers are. They are capable of holding more e-liquid than a cartomizer, and also are usually clear so the user can see how much e-liquid is left in them (most also feature a system of measurement printed on the side so the user can know in ml how much e-liquid is contained in the clearomizer).


tank - this can have a variety of meanings, but generally refers to delivery systems that utilize some kind of clear, empty container for storing e-liquid. On e-cigarettes tanks are usually small plastic caps that screw in to the atomizer in lieu of a cartomizer. On advanced personal vaporizing devices tanks can refer to a type of clearomizer that utilizes a rebuildable and/or replaceable coil and wick system. Tank can also refer to the clear storage tube for e-liquid that is found on clearomizers.


rebuildable tank or RBT - these are clearomizer systems that utilize a rebuildable and/or replaceable coil and wick system. This results in lower costs associated with replacing the delivery system, as instead of the entire delivery system being disposable only parts of it are replaced (namely the coil and wick). RBTs are generally considered to be for advanced users only as they can have issues that need to be troubleshooted by the user and some systems require advanced knowledge of how vaporizing systems work, although recently these systems have been becoming increasingly easier to use for the average/novice vaper.


cartomizer tank - These are similar to RBTs but utilize a cartomizer inside instead of a wick and coil system. They are recommended for advanced users only as they can be both tricky to refill with e-liquid and also tricky in regards to replacing the cartomizer inside. The best cartomizer tank systems utilize some form of locking mechanism for when the user is done filling the cartomizer/tank, as removal of the tank before it's emptied can lead to e-liquid spillage.


Choosing a Vaporizing Device

Connections
510 - This is the most common type of atomizer connection on non-eGo e-cigarettes and advanced personal vaporizers, but is quickly being replaced by the eGo connection. The atomizer (the part of the device that heats up the e-liquid so that it turns in to vapor) screws in to the connector.


eGo - This is the only type of atomizer connection eGo e-cigarettes use, but many devices are starting to replace their 510 connections with the eGo connection or are designed to take either the 510 or the eGo atomizers. With this type of connection, the atomizer screws over the connector instead of inside it like the 510 atomizers do. This results in a lessened risk of damage to the connector than you find in 510 connections.


Drip Well
This is a recessed section around the atomizer connection that catches any excess fluid that may drip from your cartomizer being over-filled, which prevents e-liquid from dripping down the side of your device (which leads to sticky fingers) and also prevents waste (just tip the device and pour the excess e-liquid back in to its original container). Some devices have them; others don't. Whether or not to buy a device with a drip well depends largely on the user's preferences as well as the delivery system that will be used. While clearomizers,  tanks that are clear caps that plug in to the atomizer, and RBTs are not very prone to leaks while being filled, cartomizer and cartomizer tank systems are and should be treated with more care when refilling.


Batteries
automatic battery - These batteries rely on the pull of you sucking on the cartomizer to know when to power on so that vapor is released from the cartomizer. It is very important that if you want to get a bigger hit off an automatic battery that you first give a few quick sucks on the cartomizer to help "prime" the device and get the coil sufficiently heated so that it may produce the most vapor before you take an actual drag from the device. Automatic batteries bear the closest resemblence to real smoking.


manual battery - These batteries feature a button on them that you must press in order to power on the device so that vapor is released from the cartomizer. Unlike automatic batteries, this method does not require any priming or much dragging from the device. However, having to press the button does take away some from the device's resemblence to real smoking.


All e-cigarettes use disposable batteries that come with the casing and connector already built in. When replacing an e-cigarette battery, one simply throws the battery away and picks up a new one. Most advanced personal vaporizing devices utilize the same types of batteries that are used in high powered flashlights, thus they require a separate casing and connector that the battery can be housed in. Replacing the battery in an advanced personal vaporizing device is just as easy as replacing the battery in just about any electronic device. Understandably, separate batteries are much cheaper to maintain than standalone batteries. However, standalone batteries are the most novice-friendly.

Types of Devices
e-cigarette - These devices look just like a cigarette, and are intended for casual and social smokers. Probably the most popular brands are eGo and Blu. Most e-cigarettes utilize an automatic battery, which only activates and produces vapor when the user sucks in on the cartomizer (the part of the device that stores e-liquid and delivers the vapor produced by the atomizer).



advanced personal vaporizer - These devices usually are small and box like or look like a larger version of an e-cigarette. They are most recommended to regular smokers who are trying to quit, due to their ability to produce larger amounts of vapor than their e-cig counterparts, thus providing more nicotine per hit and coming closer to immitating a "real cigarette" both in the physical feeling of inhaling and exhaling vapor and in providing more instant gratification. There is a HUGE variety of shapes and sizes, but advanced personal vaporizing devices are very rarely as small as an e-cig due to their larger power requirements. Advanced personal vaporizing devices also vary in the amount of know-how needed to operate them. Some APVs only operate on one voltage, requiring the user do no more than push a button to receive vapor. These are best suited to novices, as they only need to know how high/low of an ohm rating their device can handle in order to purchase a compatible delivery system. An example of this kind of device is the Bolt. Next in line are the devices that are variable voltage. These devices allow the user to change the voltage of the device to match the delivery system being used and customize the kind of vape they are getting. These devices are also usually capable of displaying the ohm rating of the delivery system as well as the battery power remaining. An example of this kind of device is the Lavatube. Another step up would be the variable wattage devices, which allow the user to customize their vaping experience no matter what the ohm rating is of the delivery system being used. These devices can have a wide variety of settings and display options available. An example of this type of device is the Vape-Pro. Last but not least, the ultimate advanced personal vaporizing devices that recently became available contain computer systems inside them and are capable of all the above and more via connecting to a PC. They can chart out your daily vaping habits, limit the amount of puffs you take per day, how long you've been vaping for, and much, much more. There are currently only two models of this type of device on the market: the Evic and the Provari (last two devices pictured below, in order).
 

It Only Gets Better From Here

9:38 PM
I kind of feel like ever since my 29th birthday, I've been in this weird accelerated learning process when it comes to life and especially relationships (I don't mean romantic ones but just relationships in general). I've learned more in the past 6 months than I have learned in my entire life... and I finally have a sense of closure, a sense of knowing exactly what it is I want out of my life and exactly what is acceptable/unacceptable when it comes to my relationships with others. I just kind of wish this process had hit me sooner so I would have had a lot more time to spend on going the "right way" instead of spending 10 years of my adult life wasting everything I had to give on people that didn't deserve it and were never going to pay it back or pay it forward.

On the outside, I'm sure there's people that would say that I've lost everything. I've ditched the vast majority of my "friends"... ditched my entire family on my mom's side outside of my mom and stepdad... lost my "home"... etc.

I however would argue that it's not a loss on my part, but a new start... a cleansing to clear the way for a much happier and better life. All the aforementioned was simply weighing me down and preventing me from reaching my full potential. Those people weren't doing any good for me... just dragging me down and making me feel worthless/hopeless. That "home" was a prison... a place designed to keep me from moving on to a better life for myself and my son... designed to keep me from ever thinking I could do more with my life and to prevent me from actually ever being ABLE to do more with it.

And wow... I've already seen a huge difference. Today was spent apartment and job hunting. It's got me feeling a lot more optimistic about moving to Duval and a little less scared. The quality of life seems so much better than it was in my old county. And looking through job postings taught me that I have a lot more to offer in the IT arena than I previously thought, although I'm a little bit in a no man's land now... overqualified for tech work, and under qualified for most admin jobs. Fortunately, it seems there's always companies looking to train admins, and it seems that I may be a bit of a formidable competitor there just because I already have a lot of lower level tech experience AND am the fresh faced college grad they're looking for.

Now for the juicy part... I have a boyfriend. Second guy I've dated since the separation, although if you listen to my MIL you would hear I've been running a train, LOL. The woman bitches every time she hears of me being around any male other than her son though, and I'm sorry, but my geeky interests means I mostly have platonic male friends... her son understood and even LIKED that (considering that's how we started out) and I only wish she would as well... but then again, she has even assumed I was having a romantic/sexual relationship going with my own brother (ewwww!) just because she found out there was a man at my apartment (didn't even bother to question WHO) so whatever. Anyways, my new love interest's name is Charles, and I'm freaking crazy about him. We seem to have the kind of connection going that usually takes most couples years to achieve... a weird kind of instinctual understanding of each other... and of course, it doesn't hurt that a. we share a lot of the same interests b. we are different enough in interests for it to never get boring c. we balance each other's personalities out - he being more grounded and logical and me being more spontaneous /adventurous and creative d. we both are empathetic and sensitive and e. we have similar IQs (a new prerequisite I added to potential dates... please, for the love of God, don't make me dumb myself down for you and/or get insecure and try to turn it in to a competition or get pissed at me over my intelligence! I can't help it!). He's the first Cancer I've dated, and I must say I'm starting to wonder why I never tried dating a Cancer before (although I know the major reason has been I find most of them too "whiny" and "clingy", and I've always shown a preference for stronger personality types). He however seems like this perfect mix of strength and sensitivity. Perhaps best of all though, he's "normal" i.e. doesn't have a lot of mental/emotional instability AND he hasn't tried to fake being someone he's not, either. Overall, he treats me the way I want to be treated... like a human... like an equal... like his partner. :)

It always has to storm before you see a rainbow... and my life has been at hurricane status for a while now. Now that the storm has cleared, I'm seeing the biggest, brightest, most colorful "rainbow" I have ever seen in my life start to appear. And I'm learning to not only be thankful for that, but also gradually to be thankful for the storm that preceded it as well... because without that storm, I would have not learned as much as I have, much less made the changes I needed to make in my approach to life that has allowed such a beautiful plethora of colors to appear. If anything, I wish it had happened sooner so I could have started on this path a lot quicker... but at the same time, I know if it HAD happened sooner I may have never met Charles and have settled for someone a little less compatible... a little less rare (I have not discussed his rarities here, but they are plenty enough to convince me there's no one else like him). So, in the end... it's all worked out as it should have... it's all worked out for the best. I refer back to my previous post on this about allowing nature and the universe to run its course... you may not know exactly where it is headed at any given moment, but if you ride that rip tide out, it will always lead you to a better place than you were before. :)
I kind of feel like ever since my 29th birthday, I've been in this weird accelerated learning process when it comes to life and especially relationships (I don't mean romantic ones but just relationships in general). I've learned more in the past 6 months than I have learned in my entire life... and I finally have a sense of closure, a sense of knowing exactly what it is I want out of my life and exactly what is acceptable/unacceptable when it comes to my relationships with others. I just kind of wish this process had hit me sooner so I would have had a lot more time to spend on going the "right way" instead of spending 10 years of my adult life wasting everything I had to give on people that didn't deserve it and were never going to pay it back or pay it forward.

On the outside, I'm sure there's people that would say that I've lost everything. I've ditched the vast majority of my "friends"... ditched my entire family on my mom's side outside of my mom and stepdad... lost my "home"... etc.

I however would argue that it's not a loss on my part, but a new start... a cleansing to clear the way for a much happier and better life. All the aforementioned was simply weighing me down and preventing me from reaching my full potential. Those people weren't doing any good for me... just dragging me down and making me feel worthless/hopeless. That "home" was a prison... a place designed to keep me from moving on to a better life for myself and my son... designed to keep me from ever thinking I could do more with my life and to prevent me from actually ever being ABLE to do more with it.

And wow... I've already seen a huge difference. Today was spent apartment and job hunting. It's got me feeling a lot more optimistic about moving to Duval and a little less scared. The quality of life seems so much better than it was in my old county. And looking through job postings taught me that I have a lot more to offer in the IT arena than I previously thought, although I'm a little bit in a no man's land now... overqualified for tech work, and under qualified for most admin jobs. Fortunately, it seems there's always companies looking to train admins, and it seems that I may be a bit of a formidable competitor there just because I already have a lot of lower level tech experience AND am the fresh faced college grad they're looking for.

Now for the juicy part... I have a boyfriend. Second guy I've dated since the separation, although if you listen to my MIL you would hear I've been running a train, LOL. The woman bitches every time she hears of me being around any male other than her son though, and I'm sorry, but my geeky interests means I mostly have platonic male friends... her son understood and even LIKED that (considering that's how we started out) and I only wish she would as well... but then again, she has even assumed I was having a romantic/sexual relationship going with my own brother (ewwww!) just because she found out there was a man at my apartment (didn't even bother to question WHO) so whatever. Anyways, my new love interest's name is Charles, and I'm freaking crazy about him. We seem to have the kind of connection going that usually takes most couples years to achieve... a weird kind of instinctual understanding of each other... and of course, it doesn't hurt that a. we share a lot of the same interests b. we are different enough in interests for it to never get boring c. we balance each other's personalities out - he being more grounded and logical and me being more spontaneous /adventurous and creative d. we both are empathetic and sensitive and e. we have similar IQs (a new prerequisite I added to potential dates... please, for the love of God, don't make me dumb myself down for you and/or get insecure and try to turn it in to a competition or get pissed at me over my intelligence! I can't help it!). He's the first Cancer I've dated, and I must say I'm starting to wonder why I never tried dating a Cancer before (although I know the major reason has been I find most of them too "whiny" and "clingy", and I've always shown a preference for stronger personality types). He however seems like this perfect mix of strength and sensitivity. Perhaps best of all though, he's "normal" i.e. doesn't have a lot of mental/emotional instability AND he hasn't tried to fake being someone he's not, either. Overall, he treats me the way I want to be treated... like a human... like an equal... like his partner. :)

It always has to storm before you see a rainbow... and my life has been at hurricane status for a while now. Now that the storm has cleared, I'm seeing the biggest, brightest, most colorful "rainbow" I have ever seen in my life start to appear. And I'm learning to not only be thankful for that, but also gradually to be thankful for the storm that preceded it as well... because without that storm, I would have not learned as much as I have, much less made the changes I needed to make in my approach to life that has allowed such a beautiful plethora of colors to appear. If anything, I wish it had happened sooner so I could have started on this path a lot quicker... but at the same time, I know if it HAD happened sooner I may have never met Charles and have settled for someone a little less compatible... a little less rare (I have not discussed his rarities here, but they are plenty enough to convince me there's no one else like him). So, in the end... it's all worked out as it should have... it's all worked out for the best. I refer back to my previous post on this about allowing nature and the universe to run its course... you may not know exactly where it is headed at any given moment, but if you ride that rip tide out, it will always lead you to a better place than you were before. :)

Lessons in 11

6:10 AM
When you live near the beach, you learn at a very early age that when caught in an undertow, you never swim against the current, but with it. You ride that bitch out until it ends instead of trying to struggle against it. Life is a lot like that. Karma is a lot like that. I feel there are too many people in the world that think that through metaphysical understanding they can change the flow of the current... or gain the strength to swim against it... and you can't. Nature always wins. All you can do is swim with it... ride it out... see where you land... and go from there. There's an old saying my grandma used to tell me: "don't count your chickens before they hatch." No matter how many numbers you crunch... no matter how much you follow the paths of the stars and planets... you can't change their course or their effect in the end. All you can do is take what they give you and go with the flow.... it's like being handed a limited number of paint colors and brush sizes with a canvas... everyone's colors and brush sizes are different... making it impossible for someone to change the outcome of their painting, much less to copy the painting of another person... yet, everyone has the ability to create a masterpiece with what they are given...


You will never create any picture other than what Nature has intended in Her own masterpieces. You will never gain any rewards from attempting to tamper with Her design... only misfortune. If you are jealous of another's picture, then instead of trying to copy or control it, try to learn what elements of it are bothering you... and then once you know what it is exactly that you're jealous of, think about how you can work with your own mediums to create something just as fulfilling.... different, of course... but fulfilling none the less because Nature never hands you any more or any less than what you need to create the perfect and most satisfying picture you possibly can in your lifetime.

The world attest to the beauty of Her designs... The natural laws of the universe attest to Her wisdom... if you swim within Her current, only happiness lays ahead.
When you live near the beach, you learn at a very early age that when caught in an undertow, you never swim against the current, but with it. You ride that bitch out until it ends instead of trying to struggle against it. Life is a lot like that. Karma is a lot like that. I feel there are too many people in the world that think that through metaphysical understanding they can change the flow of the current... or gain the strength to swim against it... and you can't. Nature always wins. All you can do is swim with it... ride it out... see where you land... and go from there. There's an old saying my grandma used to tell me: "don't count your chickens before they hatch." No matter how many numbers you crunch... no matter how much you follow the paths of the stars and planets... you can't change their course or their effect in the end. All you can do is take what they give you and go with the flow.... it's like being handed a limited number of paint colors and brush sizes with a canvas... everyone's colors and brush sizes are different... making it impossible for someone to change the outcome of their painting, much less to copy the painting of another person... yet, everyone has the ability to create a masterpiece with what they are given...


You will never create any picture other than what Nature has intended in Her own masterpieces. You will never gain any rewards from attempting to tamper with Her design... only misfortune. If you are jealous of another's picture, then instead of trying to copy or control it, try to learn what elements of it are bothering you... and then once you know what it is exactly that you're jealous of, think about how you can work with your own mediums to create something just as fulfilling.... different, of course... but fulfilling none the less because Nature never hands you any more or any less than what you need to create the perfect and most satisfying picture you possibly can in your lifetime.

The world attest to the beauty of Her designs... The natural laws of the universe attest to Her wisdom... if you swim within Her current, only happiness lays ahead.

broken doll

11:20 PM
Can this wretched broken worthless doll
kicked and torn and eyeless
ever be used for a toy again
or is the only destiny left for her in the garbage
Can this wretched broken worthless doll
kicked and torn and eyeless
ever be used for a toy again
or is the only destiny left for her in the garbage

You know who this is for...

2:49 AM


So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you let me down again)

Note the emphasis... because it's true... that's why you sit at home watching TV now with nothing better to do, with no options left now that you've given up your online meanderings with teenage chat rooms... that's why for the past 5 years you (and I) have watched our pool of friends dwindle, even though you convinced me they (even my own personal friends) said it was all MY fault for being "negative"... kind of funny how those same people have a completely different story to tell about how it's because of knowing YOU personally to be a manipulative, lying, abusive asshole that they didn't feel comfortable being around and that they didn't want to pressure me too much about leaving because they didn't want to threaten our friendship.

And you know, after going over everything that happened in our relationship... I think I've realized what really went wrong in the beginning, and what really was wrong all along. You were feeling insecure after you got fired at Beef's, and you looked over at me, determined to give our child the "good life" and "win" at life so much that I forced you to spend almost our entire tax returns on baby gear even though you argued we would get everything we needed in the baby shower (which didn't even come close, and I think you resented me even more for being right about us needing to spend our tax returns on that stuff)... then later QUIT my "good" job at PRC even though I was up for a promotion to go back to school and become even better... and succeeded with a 3.5 GPA, even though at the time I was juggling a newborn AND a household of 3-5 adults at any given time.... and you got jealous, and that was when you decided that you were going to make sure that you came out on top and not me, even if it meant dragging our entire family down to do it.

I will admit, for a while, your plan worked. But it wasn't by any means permanent, and now that you're gone, I'm gradually returning back to my old self, only better... stronger, wiser, with a lot more on my plate to offer than ever before... and as an added bonus (as if all the aforementioned wasn't enough), I've also finally learned how to be happy under ANY circumstances in my life, as long as I remember to set my boundaries when it comes to the people I allow in to my personal life as friends/family/loved ones/etc. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't get stressed or any of the stuff that happens to anyone in their daily lives, but it does mean I don't get depressed any more, at least not for long. And when I do feel sad, I've got plenty of people in my life to help cheer me back up. Additionally, without you around, interestingly enough I don't really find myself asking for help from people like my family much any more either... and I have also found most of the time I don't even need it. I usually can find a way out of my own messes, or do without until I do. And despite all the curve balls you threw me before you left, like stealing (and taking/stealing via constantly lying about how many cards I had bought you before) a VERY large amount of money from me in order to pay for weapons in Combat Arms, I managed very well to mostly find my own way out of ALL of it with little help from anyone... even a month with almost no income. And because of that... along with reflection on you and my relationship with my ex-fiance, both situations in which I mostly took care of you and kept you off the streets/kept you from starving and not vice versa... I have realized that I had what it takes to not only survive in this world but THRIVE all along. I just needed to do exactly what my counselors have been telling me for years I just needed to do: trust myself. I have the right formulas, I just need to start trusting them and stop replacing them with everyone else's.

It's my life. I'm the only one that lives it, it's the only life I'm going to get to live, and I only get one chance at each given moment to do it right; one chance at each given moment to choose happiness or sadness. I have been placing too much importance on karma and not enough on simply being happy. All the karma in the world won't do you much good if you spend your entire life in misery.... nor will you find you have actually helped anyone at all.


So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you let me down again)

Note the emphasis... because it's true... that's why you sit at home watching TV now with nothing better to do, with no options left now that you've given up your online meanderings with teenage chat rooms... that's why for the past 5 years you (and I) have watched our pool of friends dwindle, even though you convinced me they (even my own personal friends) said it was all MY fault for being "negative"... kind of funny how those same people have a completely different story to tell about how it's because of knowing YOU personally to be a manipulative, lying, abusive asshole that they didn't feel comfortable being around and that they didn't want to pressure me too much about leaving because they didn't want to threaten our friendship.

And you know, after going over everything that happened in our relationship... I think I've realized what really went wrong in the beginning, and what really was wrong all along. You were feeling insecure after you got fired at Beef's, and you looked over at me, determined to give our child the "good life" and "win" at life so much that I forced you to spend almost our entire tax returns on baby gear even though you argued we would get everything we needed in the baby shower (which didn't even come close, and I think you resented me even more for being right about us needing to spend our tax returns on that stuff)... then later QUIT my "good" job at PRC even though I was up for a promotion to go back to school and become even better... and succeeded with a 3.5 GPA, even though at the time I was juggling a newborn AND a household of 3-5 adults at any given time.... and you got jealous, and that was when you decided that you were going to make sure that you came out on top and not me, even if it meant dragging our entire family down to do it.

I will admit, for a while, your plan worked. But it wasn't by any means permanent, and now that you're gone, I'm gradually returning back to my old self, only better... stronger, wiser, with a lot more on my plate to offer than ever before... and as an added bonus (as if all the aforementioned wasn't enough), I've also finally learned how to be happy under ANY circumstances in my life, as long as I remember to set my boundaries when it comes to the people I allow in to my personal life as friends/family/loved ones/etc. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't get stressed or any of the stuff that happens to anyone in their daily lives, but it does mean I don't get depressed any more, at least not for long. And when I do feel sad, I've got plenty of people in my life to help cheer me back up. Additionally, without you around, interestingly enough I don't really find myself asking for help from people like my family much any more either... and I have also found most of the time I don't even need it. I usually can find a way out of my own messes, or do without until I do. And despite all the curve balls you threw me before you left, like stealing (and taking/stealing via constantly lying about how many cards I had bought you before) a VERY large amount of money from me in order to pay for weapons in Combat Arms, I managed very well to mostly find my own way out of ALL of it with little help from anyone... even a month with almost no income. And because of that... along with reflection on you and my relationship with my ex-fiance, both situations in which I mostly took care of you and kept you off the streets/kept you from starving and not vice versa... I have realized that I had what it takes to not only survive in this world but THRIVE all along. I just needed to do exactly what my counselors have been telling me for years I just needed to do: trust myself. I have the right formulas, I just need to start trusting them and stop replacing them with everyone else's.

It's my life. I'm the only one that lives it, it's the only life I'm going to get to live, and I only get one chance at each given moment to do it right; one chance at each given moment to choose happiness or sadness. I have been placing too much importance on karma and not enough on simply being happy. All the karma in the world won't do you much good if you spend your entire life in misery.... nor will you find you have actually helped anyone at all.

The Package - A Perfect Circle

11:49 PM
This song could have been ripped from the mind of someone I used to live with recently...

Clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
Eye on what I'm after
I don't need another friend
Smile and drop the cliche
'til you think I'm listenin'
Take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Peripheral on the package
Don't care to settle in
Time to feed the monster
I don't need another friend
Comfort is a mystery
Crawling out of my own skin
Just give me what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get just what I need
Lie to get what I crave
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Eye on what I'm after
I don't need another friend
Nod and watch your lips move
If you need me to pretend
Because clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
I'll take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Give this to me
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I crave
Lie to smile and get what's mine

Give this to me
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Give this to me

Take what's mine, take what's mine, mine...
Take what's mine, take what's mine, take what's mine,
This is mine, mine, mine
This song could have been ripped from the mind of someone I used to live with recently...

Clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
Eye on what I'm after
I don't need another friend
Smile and drop the cliche
'til you think I'm listenin'
Take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Peripheral on the package
Don't care to settle in
Time to feed the monster
I don't need another friend
Comfort is a mystery
Crawling out of my own skin
Just give me what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get just what I need
Lie to get what I crave
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Eye on what I'm after
I don't need another friend
Nod and watch your lips move
If you need me to pretend
Because clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
I'll take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Give this to me
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I crave
Lie to smile and get what's mine

Give this to me
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Give this to me

Take what's mine, take what's mine, mine...
Take what's mine, take what's mine, take what's mine,
This is mine, mine, mine

Persicon

9:33 PM
I bled for you
My tears trickled down like rain landing softly on the heartless frigid white quarry
I made a promise to her we would never do that
A promise is always so empty....
A whisper, a gentle push, and I'm gone...
The door shuts...
a window opens...
the breeze...
The Venusian Grand Design opens,
unfolds her wings,
unlocks her gaze,
her golden blaze resounds...
Another angel lost to those too capricious to hear her prayers...
Her song lost forever among the hum of drudge automatons doomed to mutany and rage upon their masters.
I bled for you
My tears trickled down like rain landing softly on the heartless frigid white quarry
I made a promise to her we would never do that
A promise is always so empty....
A whisper, a gentle push, and I'm gone...
The door shuts...
a window opens...
the breeze...
The Venusian Grand Design opens,
unfolds her wings,
unlocks her gaze,
her golden blaze resounds...
Another angel lost to those too capricious to hear her prayers...
Her song lost forever among the hum of drudge automatons doomed to mutany and rage upon their masters.


Vacuous

3:37 PM
your masquerade: you're pristine...
but your words just run dry like a glass of water trickling down
through the cracks in your sanity.
your masquerade: you're pristine...
but your words just run dry like a glass of water trickling down
through the cracks in your sanity.




Renegade - (HED) P.E.

8:50 PM
See me
I'm still standing
I might be bleeding
But I'm still breathing

You might hate me
But you can't break me
I might be bleeding
But I'm still breathing
See me
I'm still standing
I might be bleeding
But I'm still breathing

You might hate me
But you can't break me
I might be bleeding
But I'm still breathing

Inside Out - Reveille

8:49 PM
Tell me what I'm supposed 
To feel because I can't feel this  
Sick and tired and it's all the same  
Same shit, different day, all day, every day
Wish you were perfect  
Well welcome to your fifteen minutes of fame  
Come get it well it's hot, you want it  
We got it, come get it now  
Can you feel me now?
Tell me, how I'm supposed to feel  
For you when all you do is hold me down?  
Told me I'm nothing, well tell me  
 What you're thinking now
So back off, never more alone than all alone 
I don't know where the hell I am  
But they say there's a price to pay for asking questions  
So I'm guessing and ending up where I began
I never got a second look before now 
I was the one that you'd ignore  
Now turn yourself inside out 
Come on, can you feel me now?
Tell me what I'm supposed  
To feel because I can't feel shit 
Hollowed out and you wonder why?  
Too much, not enough, slow down, pick it up  
Genuine adrenaline keeping me high, so high
So walk your walk, talk your talk  
But as far as I can see, on the inside out  
You're 'bout as ugly as me 
'Cept now I'm fit to knock you down
Told me I'm nothing, tell me what you're thinking now 
So back off, tell me what I'm supposed to feel for you  
Turn yourself inside out, take a closer look inside  
I think that you deserve yourself
Title match, main ring, no time to rethink  
You swim or you sink, you want it, we got it, come get it
Tell me what I'm supposed 
To feel because I can't feel this  
Sick and tired and it's all the same  
Same shit, different day, all day, every day
Wish you were perfect  
Well welcome to your fifteen minutes of fame  
Come get it well it's hot, you want it  
We got it, come get it now  
Can you feel me now?
Tell me, how I'm supposed to feel  
For you when all you do is hold me down?  
Told me I'm nothing, well tell me  
 What you're thinking now
So back off, never more alone than all alone 
I don't know where the hell I am  
But they say there's a price to pay for asking questions  
So I'm guessing and ending up where I began
I never got a second look before now 
I was the one that you'd ignore  
Now turn yourself inside out 
Come on, can you feel me now?
Tell me what I'm supposed  
To feel because I can't feel shit 
Hollowed out and you wonder why?  
Too much, not enough, slow down, pick it up  
Genuine adrenaline keeping me high, so high
So walk your walk, talk your talk  
But as far as I can see, on the inside out  
You're 'bout as ugly as me 
'Cept now I'm fit to knock you down
Told me I'm nothing, tell me what you're thinking now 
So back off, tell me what I'm supposed to feel for you  
Turn yourself inside out, take a closer look inside  
I think that you deserve yourself
Title match, main ring, no time to rethink  
You swim or you sink, you want it, we got it, come get it

With My Mind - Cold

5:45 AM
In a violent world
Where deception's free
Things I can't control
Taking over me
Did they try to take
My identity
So what the hell
Have they done to me!

I will take your thoughts away
And I'll ignite your fear today
Well I can take you far away
With my mind [2x]

This life for me
Changes everyday
I will stand up tall
I won't be betrayed
If you play with fire
I'll control the flame
I'll do anything
To make you believe!
In a violent world
Where deception's free
Things I can't control
Taking over me
Did they try to take
My identity
So what the hell
Have they done to me!

I will take your thoughts away
And I'll ignite your fear today
Well I can take you far away
With my mind [2x]

This life for me
Changes everyday
I will stand up tall
I won't be betrayed
If you play with fire
I'll control the flame
I'll do anything
To make you believe!

consummation to your anima

7:33 PM
a scarlet blossom; a blooming
passion red spent on a wine luminosity unfurling from your icy cool plethoras
the burning; the pain
my crimson stained embellishment... is that your plan?

to allure; bewitch; charm; dazzle; delight
to captivate my mind... and with it, my glimmering light...
will you enrapture me in your incandescent blaze?
and together... ignite this azure celestial sphere... sparking new purpose in this disquieting malaise?

your whisper has fingers
long crisp whispering shadows... as your balmy pools like perfume to my senses lingers
shhh. a shiver, so near...
breath tickling my ear...
as the whispers, they rage and flame... wildfire on my brain...

do you see with your discernment?
the luscious euphony around my neck... adornment...
if only to behold God's glistening gold positioning contrivance.. His plan.
a scarlet blossom; a blooming
passion red spent on a wine luminosity unfurling from your icy cool plethoras
the burning; the pain
my crimson stained embellishment... is that your plan?

to allure; bewitch; charm; dazzle; delight
to captivate my mind... and with it, my glimmering light...
will you enrapture me in your incandescent blaze?
and together... ignite this azure celestial sphere... sparking new purpose in this disquieting malaise?

your whisper has fingers
long crisp whispering shadows... as your balmy pools like perfume to my senses lingers
shhh. a shiver, so near...
breath tickling my ear...
as the whispers, they rage and flame... wildfire on my brain...

do you see with your discernment?
the luscious euphony around my neck... adornment...
if only to behold God's glistening gold positioning contrivance.. His plan.

"Will my hair ever be straight?" - A 3B Curly Head's Guide to Flat Ironing

6:52 AM
After only about two months of ownership, I have finally managed to get my flat iron to make my 3b curly hair straight!
After only about two months of ownership, I have finally managed to get my flat iron to make my 3b curly hair straight!

reflections of a broken heart mending...

6:44 AM
Ahhh, trying to figure out this little thing called "life"...
Ahhh, trying to figure out this little thing called "life"...

In love with a narcissist... this is what it's like...

3:46 PM
This is really just notes for my personal collection to assist with recovery, but narcissistic abuse is pretty rampant, and not just in romantic relationships, so I figured I would share my notes here as well. This is just material I pulled that I felt particularly resonated with the situation that I got out of.
This is really just notes for my personal collection to assist with recovery, but narcissistic abuse is pretty rampant, and not just in romantic relationships, so I figured I would share my notes here as well. This is just material I pulled that I felt particularly resonated with the situation that I got out of.
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)