>Private: Private: I need help…9:14 AM
- no ashtrays in the house
- no smoking in the house
- no scent of smoke in the house
- no mention of my quitting or smoking - believe it or not saying something about it will make me crave a cigarette, and chiding me for giving in to one smoke is likely to make me smoke more just because after such comments I tend to feel hopeless about my ability to quit
This is where problems come in though... no one wants to give up smoking in the house. David pushes me inside to smoke if it's cold because he's worried about me catching hypothermia. I want to smoke in the cold because that just makes it less desirable and comfortable for me to smoke. If I'm freezing my butt off it's unlikely I'm going out as often to smoke, and if I do it's highly likely I won't finish. Rick chides me about it. And I know none of this is intentionally harmful but in the long run it is. I'm a social smoker, first of all, next I'm a boredom smoker, next I'm a stressed smoker, and next I'm a personal enjoyment smoker. As you can see there are quite a few factors in my smoking that I have to battle. Obviously I can't do anything about stress but I can prevent myself from wanting to smoke just because someone else is, or picking up a cigarette absentmindedly or because I'm bored, or picking one up just because I enjoy the taste, feel, and smell of it. No one seems to understand this though... or care... and I'm starting to run out of hope completely. All I know is that I don't want to have a premature baby, and I don't know what else I can do to achieve this goal except the things I listed above. I've tried just dealing with it and it's not working, I need changes in my environment that encourage me to quit rather than encourage me to smoke. And as more time goes by the more scared I get that I'm just not going to be able to quit and I'm going to go in to premature labor and the baby isn't going to be far along enough to survive. And that thought hurts worse than I think anyone short of a mother can understand. I mean, there are illegal drugs that are less harmful than what I'm doing right now.
I'm killing my baby, and it feels like no one is willing to help me stop.